Sex ed is that wonderfully awful class that we love to hate. It’s awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved, but boy does it lead to some hilarious comments! To commiserate in our collective misery, I asked a handful of sex ed teachers to share their funniest or most awkward sex education questions they’ve received from students, and boy, did they deliver!
Sex Education Questions
In sex ed, students are often allowed to anonymously write down their queries for the teacher to answer in front of the class. This makes for quite an interesting Q&A.
Here is a list of sex ed questions asked by students with the hypothetical answers I would give in italics (which is probably why it’s a good thing I don’t teach sex ed).
These are real questions asked by real students. Some questions have been minorly edited for spelling, grammar, profanity, or for the sake of readability.
Questions about Puberty and Anatomy
Puberty is a rough time. The body is changing and there’s a lot to adjust to in a more mature body. Here are some top-notch questions from sex ed about puberty and anatomy.
Where do boys put tampons? Wherever they want!
Is it true if you eat eggs your period will stink? Not if they’re free-range.
Why do some girls have a penis? It’s complicated.
Is it normal to have one very long pube? Not really, but it’s interesting.
Do girls actually have three holes? Well, yes. But you probably won’t find one of them very useful.
What if I don’t want kids? Do I still have to have a period? If only we could make that simple exchange, the world would be a lot more pleasant. But there would be a lot less people too.
Why does my vagina look like roast beef? Some just be like that. Find yourself a partner who loves roast beef and you’re good to go!
If a boy kicks a girl in the vagina, can his foot get stuck? If she’s naked, yeah.
Do black women make chocolate milk? The research is inconclusive.
Are boobs full of cum? Thankfully, no. But that is giving me a funny Rambo visual.
Why them girls got so many holes? I know, right!
TMI Sex Ed Questions
Leave it to adolescents to ask ALL the questions. Even those that probably shouldn’t be posed to an entire class. These questions are a bit TMI, but hey, it’s probably best to get them asked now, right?
How do I get rid of fungus on my balls? I think the more important question is why you have fungus on your balls in the first place!
If sperm don’t have eyes, how do we have eyes? The world may never know.
When I shake it there’s a little pain. Is it bad? Stop shaking it.
Do steroids give your penis muscles? Yes, and the ladies love it.
If sperms have tails why don’t we? I’ve always wondered that!
What kind of energy do guys get when they’re in heat? Gravitational.
Can a dog wear a condom? Technically yes.
Is it true if you put lemon on your penis and it burns you have a disease? Possibly.
I have some white stuff under my dick skin that smells. What is that and how do I get rid of it? It’s smegma and you need to use soap. It’s that simple.
Can you keep sperm in a jar like pets in a fish tank? Yes, but trying to name them all would be a disaster.
Does cum make your hair softer? Whoever told you that is lying.
No questions but I’m scared. You should be.
Questions Best Left For Google
Teachers know a lot, but the amount of knowledge they have might not include ALL sexual slang terms. These questions are probably best left to Google.
What is a punanie? Google it.
What’s an Alaskan pipeline? I’m too afraid to find out.
What is a mangina? I’m not entirely sure but I like the sound of it.
Is there a world record for how fast/far sperm goes? Probably but I’d rather wonder about that one.
What is a blue waffle? Google image search it if you dare.
What’s a chilly willy? A penis in a snowstorm.
What’s a wolf pussy? What they all looked like before the year 2000.
Sex Education Questions About Intimacy
Obviously, plenty of sex education questions will be about sex itself. These questions are by far the most, uh, “creative” ones from students.
Why do females chew on your balls? Because they hate you.
What do I do when my girl wants me to put my whole arm in? Run.
If you’re having anal sex with a girl and she farts, will your balls explode? Probably.
What do I do if I swallow the used condom? Chase it down with a large glass of water, I suppose.
Do they make chicken-flavored condoms? I don’t know, but they should!
How do you stretch a guy’s booty hole? Gently.
If gay guys like things in their butt do they get turned on when they poop? These are the things you think about?
If you blow into the penis will your balls inflate like a balloon? The research is inconclusive.
Can the dick go in other holes like the ear, eye, and nose? Not usually.
Can you use a skittles bag as a condom? Don’t count on it.
If she farts on your penis will it pop or bleed? Why is she farting on your penis though (#nojudgment)?
Do you put the balls in too? You can certainly try!
Do the balls go into the condom too? Possibly.
Would a plastic bag work as a condom? Outlook is not so good.
How does it smell when people have sex? Have you ever been to a petting farm in the summer?
Is it true that guys can have sex until they die? Only recently did this become a possibility and it is a great, gross tragedy of modern times.
If a guy comes in your butt, and then you fart, can you blow bubbles? Probably.
Does pee ever come out instead of semen? The question is how badly you have to pee.
If both partners have long pubes, can they get tangled? How would you get them apart? You either use hair detangler or olive oil and a fine-tooth comb.
When gay men have sex, how do they choose whose penis will open up to put the other penis into it? Coin toss.
Funny Sex Ed Questions About Pregnancy
Sex ed can’t cover everything related to pregnancy, and clearly, these kids are prepped to ask the important questions.
If I have sperm on my hand and then my mom touches the doorknob and touches herself, can she get pregnant? Maybe you should just try to avoid that situation by washing your hands?
If I’m in a hot tub with fifty guys and they all ejaculate, can I get pregnant? Eww. Why… how… why… just… YES.
Do twins happen because of a threesome? Sometimes.
Isn’t there any way that the boy can have the baby? Not yet, but we need to find a way!
If a pregnant lady takes a bath will the baby drown? Not if she keeps her legs closed.
If a white man has sex with a black woman and then has sex with a white woman can the white woman have a black baby? Maybe.
Does a lady fart when she’s going to have a baby? More like while she’s having the baby. It’s not like an alarm system that happens beforehand.
Can you get someone’s butt pregnant? The answer is complicated so for everyone’s safety I’m going to say yes.
If I get pregnant when I’m in school, how much school do I get to miss? Kid, listen to me. It ain’t worth it!
Can the baby come out of the butthole? Not technically, but it feels like it does.
Is it possible for the boy to have the baby? Trust me, if it were possible, the human race would go extinct.
Can a hermaphrodite get themselves pregnant? I applaud your creative thinking but, no.
I’ve heard that acidic stuff kills sperm. If you put a few drops of lemon juice in a girl’s vagina after sex, will it help with birth control? Sort of. She will probably kick you so hard in the balls for doing that that you won’t be able to have kids!
Questions I was Asked While Pregnant
Another strange aspect of being pregnant while teaching is that some of your students might be expecting too!
During my first pregnancy, I had two pregnant students and an 11th grader with a 3-year-old son. I would try to connect with them sometimes, but they never really seemed bothered by the pregnancy the way I was. “Aren’t you tired?” I would ask. “Not really,” they’d reply. “Aren’t you scared?” I asked. “Not really,” they’d answer. For some reason, this baby stuff was much more troublesome for me!
In addition to this, I had students ask lots of bizarre questions while I was pregnant. These are just a few gems I jotted down during that time.
Do people have sex when they’re pregnant? Ask your mom.
Does it rip all the way down to your butthole? Ask your mom.
Can you get it sewn back up, so it’s tight again? Once again, ask your mom.
Are you afraid to have that baby? It’s gonna, like, destroy your vag! The kid actually raised his hand during a lesson to ask this very necessary question.
Can other people drink breast milk, besides the baby? Technically, yes. But if you go near that liquid gold, the mom it came from might smack you.
I can tell you what you’re having. What position were you in? Were you on top? Do you really think I would share that with you?
So the baby eats all the food you eat and drinks everything you drink? It’s disgusting. Of all the things, that’s what you find disgusting?
Do you get those hanging things in your butt? My mom did. I plead the 5th on that.
Why are you still fat after you have the baby? I hate you.
Can you get pregnant from a hot tub? Just try to avoid that scenario.
Are you afraid that you’ll sit down to poop and the baby will come out in the toilet? I wasn’t, but now I am.
Can you get pregnant from a dog? Research is inconclusive.
Finally, a student asked me how many months pregnant I was. A few minutes after I told him he stood up and announced, “September! She had sex in September!”
Funny Sex Education Questions
Have you heard your fair share of funny sex education questions from your students? If so, we want to hear them! Leave a comment below, or be sure to check Teacher Misery out on social media! You can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter!
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Jane Morris is the pen name of a teacher who would really like to tell you more about herself, but she is afraid she’ll lose her job. Jane has taught English for over 15 years in a major American city. She received her B.A. in English and Secondary Education from a well-known university and her M.A. in writing from an even fancier (more expensive) university. She has a loving family and cares about making people laugh more than anything else.
These are spot on! One time, I had a 1st grader ask me if I got pregnant by eating an egg with a baby inside. It was hilarious.